So I have a mental disorder. Several in fact. I've been trying to hide them for as long as I can remember. I don't think I was even truly aware of them. I just always knew there was something wrong with me, on the edge, lurking, ready at any moment to jump out and reveal itself, like monsters in the closet. Well after one too many tragedies in my life, sure enough, I fell apart. More like anxiety, depression, and dysthymia tore me to pieces. Those who knew me last semester know what happened and I don't really want to go into that right now... if ya wanna know, ask me.
I thought that after what happened, that I was better, fixed, whole. I didn't think I had to worry about those thoughts and feelings to come back. Boy, was I wrong. People ask me, "well why can't you just, ya know, stop?" haha. as if it was that easy. If it was that easy I would be 100% fine. but it's not that easy, nothing ever is. Even after medication, therapy, and even an inpatient clinic, I'm still hanging on by a thread. So I thought moving away and transferring schools and work would help. Just change my whole life. Well, turns out it wasn't my life environment that was causing these breakdowns. It was me. I haven't been actually diagnosed, those are just what the doctors tell me I probably have, but I think it's the chemicals in my brain. At least, that makes the most sense. Though, fixing those chemicals are harder than I originally thought. I thought, "I'll take some medication for awhile and get back to being a-okay in a few months." wrong again. Anyone seeing a pattern here?
It's coming back. The anxiety, the depression. And I suppose the dysthymia never really left. That's when you have an inability to feel or to describe how you feel. You're sort of always in this flatlined, apathetic state. It's fairly annoying. Especially when you want to feel excited or happy or upset, and you can't. These emotions are expected, and it's strange when someone doesn't show them. So people get the wrong messages from me all the time.
I don't know how to make it go away. More therapy? New medication? Hell, maybe I need to go back to the mental clinic for a month. All I know is I can't keep living like this. Something needs to change. Most likely my own way of thinking though. But with mental disorders...it's hard to control what your brain does or does not think about. Trust me, some days I can barely get out of bed let alone try to be positive about my life.
