I have to write. even when I don't want to. even when it hurts. even when I feel like falling apart. especially when I feel like I'm falling apart. I have to get it out. so I don't crumble and collapse. so I don't cut. so I don't lose hope. I don't understand anymore. my feelings are so jumbled and confused. about life. about my decision. about my past. about my future. I think about death everyday. I don't want to die. I just want to not exist anymore. to not be here. everything is wrong. all wrong. I wish I could melt away. into nothingness. into a black hole. I feel everything and nothing all at once. sometimes I'm so overwhelmed with despair I cannot move. other times I can be so filled with happiness and joy I want to scream. no one ever sees that side of me though. they only see the depression. I'm not bipolar. I can't be. doctors would have caught that right? though medication never really has worked before. maybe I wasn't doing it right. or maybe it was the wrong kind. it's possible I guess. I don't know. it's funny. I claim to hate people but I love without restraint. I love deeply and unconditionally. I never let go. I give chance after change. I hold onto hope even when it's clear there is none. I should probably learn to let go. everyone else is able to let go of me why can't I let go of them? I just want to feel normal. and not normal for me. regular people normal. I don't want my normal to consist of spiraling out of control and slicing my wrist open anymore. granted. I haven't cut in almost a year. (yay!) but I still think about it. every. single. day. I don't want to be this way anymore. I've been fighting for more years than I can remember now. for my life. for my survival. and I'm so tired. so tired. I just want it to be over. I don't want to fight anymore. I'm sick of pretending. sick of putting on a false smile and acting like everything is normal. like I'm normal. no one understands what I deal with everyday. most people anyway. some understand. sure. but where are these people? I guess that's why they have group therapy sessions. it's not like random people are going to come up to you and tell you their deep dark secrets. it's not like you can meet someone and just expect to have this close personal relationship right away. it scares people away when they know how complicated and troubled I really am. I don't even know how deep it goes. I don't like to think about it. because if I truly think about all my fears and anxieties and depressed thoughts and manic thoughts... I'll go crazy. literally. maybe I do need this group therapy thing. so I can meet people like me. they'd understand me. I did enjoy--okay. enjoy isn't the right word--but it was helpful for me when I was at the inpatient clinic. those people understood me. even though we were from different backgrounds and were different genders and ages and different issues--we understood each other. and loved each other regardless. it was so good for me to finally see that I'm not alone. I've had people telling me that my whole life. but didn't truly believe it till then. maybe I need to go back to a clinic. idk. those are expensive though. and I have a life to figure out. school. work. whatnot. I can't exactly take a vacation from life right now. as much as I'd want to. ugh. okay I'm done with my ramblings. sorry if this didn't make sense. it hardly makes sense to me. I just needed to get it out there. put it down in words.
"Write hard and clear about what hurts." --Ernest Hemingway.
