These
past several months have taught me more about myself than I ever could have
thought possible; much more than I ever learned about myself in Kansas. It's
not Kansas' fault though, or anyone in Kansas for that matter, it's my own
fault. I don't know exactly when I lost myself. I can't pinpoint an exact time
or day or event that I decided to stop being 'me'. But it happened. Slowly,
over several years and traumatic experiences, I forgot who I am. Don't get me
wrong, I don't regret anything, except maybe that I forgot who God was as well.
I forgot that He's always there, I stopped trusting Him.
Although
I've been through some shitty experiences, I understand now why everything had
to happen. I've grown and learned and realized who my true friends and family
are. I'm stronger, more resilient, more dependent on myself. Leaving has also
taught me who I can truly rely on and who will always be there for me and never
judge me. I open up more. I'd rather people know the real me upfront rather
than wait until I'm falling apart for them to leave me. I've been through that
a time or two. After just being discharged from the hospital after overdosing
on sleep medication, I was being yelled at for my selfishness and
inconsideration. The man who said he loved me and wanted to marry me was making
me feel stupid and worthless. I should have told him long before that about my
anxiety and depression. Silly me. Oh well, I'm quite indifferent towards him
now. I used to be indifferent towards everything, but not anymore.
When I
moved to Illinois in March I wasn’t completely sure of my reasons. One day, as
I was getting ready for church with my boyfriend, I said, "I really miss
my dad, maybe I should move to Illinois. Maybe that's the solution to my
problem." I said it almost jokingly, but just three weeks later, I was
moving to Illinois. I'd wanted to move to Illinois to be with my dad since I
was 14, but it just was never possible. The timing now was really perfect. I
was taking a break from school, I'd just quit my job. Only downside was leaving
my boyfriend. We tried long-distance, but it was too hard, and just didn't
work. Leaving him was the hardest thing I've ever done. I will always love him,
but I needed to leave Manhattan and Kansas. In order for me to gain perspective
and get my footing back. I know God was calling me to Illinois. I needed to get
my mental health back on track.
Now that
I've gotten away from Manhattan, I can finally understand why I hated it so
much. That was where it happened. That night when I wasn't given a choice. I
had forgotten about that night, or rather I simply decided not to think about
it. I had grown up going to Manhattan, loving K-State. While living there, I
couldn't understand why I hated the place I used to love. Now I get it. Maybe
one day I won't be so anxious in that city, but not anytime soon.
I do
believe I'm ready to go back to Kansas though, to home. Kansas will always be
my home, as much as I love Illinois. I always knew that living in Illinois
wouldn't be permanent. I thought maybe I'll live here for a year or two, then
move back home. Honestly, I figured it would take about that long to regain my
footing and figure out my life, but maybe I'm stronger than I ever gave myself
credit for. Though I know I could never have gotten even this far without the
help and support of my God and family and friends.
I'm not
saying I'll move back tomorrow or even in a month. I don't have a timeline. I
do know that my decision will mostly depend on my school plans, but even that's
up in the air. I've been making pros and cons lists, and I keep adding and
subtracting items. I need to go home. As much as I love Illinois and my job and
my coworkers and my family and all the friends I've made--Kansas will always
remain my home.
Living
here has been a dream come true. I know now that I can make it on my own, well
mostly on my own. I was afraid that if I left after not being here longer that
that would mean I failed. But I've realized that I didn't fail. The fact that I
was able to even do this is a success in and of itself. I'm actually proud of
myself and I don't say that very often.
Alright,
I'm watching Harry Potter with my siblings so I'll write later. Sorry It's been
so long. I've been so busy with work and everything, I never have time to write
anymore. I'll do better!
Hannah
:)
