Miserable at best

So I have a mental disorder. Several in fact. I've been trying to hide them for as long as I can remember. I don't think I was even truly aware of them.  I just always knew there was something wrong with me, on the edge, lurking, ready at any moment to jump out and reveal itself, like monsters in the closet. Well after one too many tragedies in my life, sure enough, I fell apart. More like anxiety, depression, and dysthymia tore me to pieces. Those who knew me last semester know what happened and I don't really want to go into that right now... if ya wanna know, ask me.

I thought that after what happened, that I was better, fixed, whole. I didn't think I had to worry about those thoughts and feelings to come back.  Boy, was I wrong.  People ask me, "well why can't you just, ya know, stop?" haha. as if it was that easy.  If it was that easy I would be 100% fine. but it's not that easy, nothing ever is.  Even after medication, therapy, and even an inpatient clinic, I'm still hanging on by a thread.  So I thought moving away and transferring schools and work would help.  Just change my whole life.  Well, turns out it wasn't my life environment that was causing these breakdowns.  It was me.  I haven't been actually diagnosed, those are just what the doctors tell me I probably have, but I think it's the chemicals in my brain.  At least, that makes the most sense.  Though, fixing those chemicals are harder than I originally thought.  I thought, "I'll take some medication for awhile and get back to being a-okay in a few months." wrong again.  Anyone seeing a pattern here?

It's coming back.  The anxiety, the depression.  And I suppose the dysthymia never really left.  That's when you have an inability to feel or to describe how you feel.  You're sort of always in this flatlined, apathetic state.  It's fairly annoying.  Especially when you want to feel excited or happy or upset, and you can't. These emotions are expected, and it's strange when someone doesn't show them.  So people get the wrong messages from me all the time.

I don't know how to make it go away. More therapy? New medication? Hell, maybe I need to go back to the mental clinic for a month.  All I know is I can't keep living like this.  Something needs to change.  Most likely my own way of thinking though.  But with mental disorders...it's hard to control what your brain does or does not think about.  Trust me, some days I can barely get out of bed let alone try to be positive about my life.

acceptance or tolerance?

49...

That's the score I got. Not very impressive.

According to the book, scores in the range of 85-100 are incredibly accepting of others, and scores in the range of 66-84 are the average scores of the majority of the people. Apparently I'm not very accepting of others.  Specifically, the book says that people who score from 0-65 "may be very cautious about and intolerant of others." Of course, those who know me know how true that is of me.  I've just had so many experiences that taught me not to trust others, to be wary of how others treat me, which I guess to some degree is a good thing.  People who are too accepting or trusting of others tend to be incredibly naive.

Our world today has become too tolerant of others, which to some people means acceptance, but it's not.  Just because you tolerate something doesn't mean you necessarily like it.  I tolerate this damn Kansas weather, but I absolutely hate it.  People nowadays, myself included, need to become more accepting of others.  Just because you're different from someone or have different beliefs or opinions doesn't make either one of you better or worse than the other.  Just makes you different.  And that's perfectly fine.  I, myself, love being different.  I think normal is just too damn boring.

Well, this post is a little disorganized. Oh well, I'm not worried about it.

social justice

So for my Skills and Techniques class the other day we were supposed to research the Warren Hill incidence that happened the other day... this is what I found on it 

Warren Hill is an African American male imprisoned in Georgia.  He was originally convicted on shooting and killing his girlfriend, and was sentenced to life imprisonment.  While in prison, he killed his cellmate by beating him with a nail-spiked board.  He was granted a stay of execution because he is developmentally disabled; however, I read one article that disagreed with that.  They said that the punishment should fit the crime not the person.  They said that since he was competent enough to murder two people that it’s okay, even just, that he be executed.  I disagree with them though.  I believe that since he was declared mentally retarded, he was not fully aware of his actions, and if he was he didn't know the true implications of what he was doing.  I believe without a reasonable doubt that he killed those two people, but I also believe that he shouldn't be put to death for his actions.  Neither do I believe that he should get away with it and be free to go.  He needs to be rehabilitated and put under state custody.  If he’s killed twice now, who’s to say he wouldn't kill again. He needs help though, not death. 

lifelong learning....what's that?

I've always loved learning, even as a kid.  I was the kid who loved going to school and hated staying home sick.  Even in high school, I would have rather stayed home and done my homework or studied on a Friday or Saturday night instead of going out with friends. I don't know though, maybe I was just an antisocial freak who was too afraid to get out there and actually do something with my life other than academics. Who knows?

Although challenges scare the hell out of me (as do most things in this world), I accept them with rigor and determination.  Sometimes I let my fears get the best of me and I become so overwhelmed that I'll break down.  But for the most part, I'm able to overcome those fears and push forward.  When I have a task, a goal, or a dream, I will do whatever it takes to achieve said task, goal, or dream to the best of my ability.

So far, I've made myself out to be some sort of super academic, which I am not by a long shot.  I have my fair share of limitations.  Though, if you really wanted to look at the glass half full, they could also be positives in certain situations.  I'm incredibly stubborn.  Once I have my opinion or belief about something, rarely do I change said opinion or belief, let alone admit when I do. I'm very outspoken.  My mom always taught me growing up that that's a good thing, that I need to stand up for what I believe, and I still believe that.  Even when my opinions differ from the majority or are controversial, I am not shy about admitting them.  This can be pretty rough for me sometimes, but it can also be a huge blessing.  One of my worst flaws though, is my defensiveness.  Even when I don't mean to be, I still sound like it I guess.  At least, that's what I'm told all the time.  I can feel myself even now starting to get defensive simply talking about the subject.  Though, at what point is being defensive an okay thing?  I suppose everyone needs to find their happy medium with everything.

I've come really far in my learning, I will admit, but I also will admit that I have a lot farther to go.  I don't think I will ever stop my learning experience.  Every day there are new things to learn, new people to meet, new shoes to walk in.  Life itself is a learning experience.  You can't live your life without learning.

So you think you wanna die....

I recently read an article about euthanasia that caused me to delve even deeper into this topic to more fully understand it.  I wanted to do this in order to be able to think critically and objectively about it instead of being emotional and biased.  Those of you that know me, know that I tend to be pretty emotional and think with my heart about most things.  So when someone talks about actively or passively killing someone in the name of medicine....just tugs at my heartstrings.  I immediately think that's not okay.  But reading the literature about it and hearing all these stories about people who chose to have a physician-assisted suicide really changed my stance on it.  It still breaks my heart to hear about people wanting to die, but I've realized that's not my place to tell them what's worth living and fighting for and what isn't.

Before reading the literature, I didn't know what the stipulations or prerequisites there were for people who wanted to receive physician-assisted suicide.  They probably are suffering from a chronic, degenerative illness and will most likely die anyway.  They will also go through an in-depth analysis of their soundness of mind and to make 100% sure that's what the person wants.  One story I read about was a lady who's husband and friends had all died, and she didn't have any children, and simply did not want to live any longer.  After a few months of discussing it with her doctor, he agreed to go through with the assisted suicide.  Personally, I think she should have tried harder to want to live or have found something or someone that would make her happy again.  But again, that's not my place to decide what someone else's quality of life is.

Then again, if someone I know comes to me and tells me they want to me to help them kill themselves... I'll probably say Hell No.  Though, if someone wants to die badly enough, they'll do it. They'll find a way, with or without your help.  Might as well respect their right to self-determination.

What Is Normal?

Abuse. Divorce. Heartache. Rape. 

Being lied to, cheated on. Alone. 

Normal experiences for me. 

Just because something is normal for you, doesn't mean that it's right or good.  Those normal experiences for me, though they were what I'm used to, aren't right. They shouldn't be the norm.  Going into the field I'm going into, I have to remember that although I know what a child should experience, some children don't. Some only know abuse; for them, it's normal. 

Just because something is normal for you, doesn't mean that it's normal for everyone. People have a huge problem with that nowadays.  They think, "Oh, well I dealt with my problem this way or I live my life this way and it works just fine for me, so it should work fine for you." No. That's not how things are. And if that's how you see things, then you need a reality check, my friend.

.....

I was just informed of some very stress-inducing news. I'm all jacked up on coffee and it's two in the morning. Needless to say, I'm incredibly pissed. Not surprised, mind you. It's nothing I haven't heard before, or experienced, but it's still heartbreaking. That moment when you truly realize the person you loved, the person you thought about maybe spending the rest of your life with, never loved you, never really cared at all, just wanted sex..... that's a pretty damn rough moment. That moment lasts one hell of a long time, let me tell you. I keep realizing this and keep realizing this over and over. I'm getting fucking sick of it. Sorry for the profanity. Especially when this blog is supposed to be professional. 

Connecting that thought back to my original thoughts, people need to learn how to treat other people with respect. Quit being so damn selfish and try thinking about other people for once. I don't get why people lie, cheat, or abuse. I never will. Do they really enjoy it? Are they really happy with their life? Thinking everyone loves them, when in all reality everyone hates them? Whatever, my job isn't to try to understand them, my job is to put a stop to it. This is exactly the reason I want to go into the social services/law. I want to be an advocate for those that cannot speak for themselves, and protect those that need protection. 

Well, I can't think anymore. I'm falling asleep. Peace out. 

life as a wallflower

I’ve always been the introvert, the silent one, the one that stood by and let things happen. Not anymore. Somewhere along the way, something changed inside of me. I’m no longer afraid to speak my mind, to stand up for my beliefs, to fight for what is right. I guess that’s why I chose the career path that I did. Anyone who knows me, knows that I hate being in the spotlight, hate people noticing me or judging me. Choosing this career path was an easy decision, but one that forced me to change the way I act about, well, pretty much everything. My thoughts and beliefs haven’t changed. The only thing changing is the way I respond or don’t respond to situations. The other day in class, actually, my teacher presented the class with a situation which involved an irresponsible college guy and asked us how we would respond to it.  Ignorantly, I said just to tell the guy to go home. (I can be pretty heartless sometimes, I know.) Of course, the teacher just laughed at me (even though I was dead serious at the time). She explained that if you’re in the social sciences, you have to approach every client with respect and compassion. Instead of telling him to go home, I should have tried to further understand the whole situation and provide him with non-biased advice. Needless to say, that’s something I need to keep working on. In another class, my teacher called me out in my cowardliness with my relationships. It was very eye-opening and caused me to reevaluate my own motivations for the things that I do.